I was thinking today about Christmas and trying to figure out at exactly what point in my life did Christmas become a depressing nightmare instead of a wonderful magical holiday. When your a kid there is nothing more special than Christmas, the tree, the lights and decorations, the music and of course the presents, but at some point it goes from being exciting to depressing. I know that as a child my family didn't have a lot of money, but it seemed to me that we always had a great Christmas.No matter what I got, I don't remember ever thinking that I got screwed and for the most part I remember being happy with whatever I received.
As an adult I find myself consumed by a feeling of inadequacy because I cant give my children what I consider to be a good Christmas, but is what I consider a good Christmas and what they consider a good Christmas the same thing?..Do the kids really put a high priority on the amount of gifts they receive or like me are they happy with whatever they get regardless of the cost or amount? Do I needlessly beat myself up over it?
Another thing that is bothering me is how to handle the Christmas situation between Divorced parents when one parent has more resources and less obligations??..I have a list of all the things my children's mother bought for them for Christmas, It seems to be everything they asked for, which leaves me feeling like a Heel, because I cannot compete with that, I might be able to get them 1 or 2 things and nothing of the level they will get from their Mom, I take this as a direct Insult and an attempt to buy my children's love and loyalty, am I crazy and paranoid or am I justified in this thought?
All I can provide for the kids is a father who loves them unconditionally, a good moral home, and discipline, a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. Which as an Adult I feel are the more important things to give them, but it still hurts me when my kids would rather go there because there they get all the "Fun" stuff. Will they grow out of that and have more respect for what I provide , or will they always think that I'm not as good as Mom because I don't give them everything they want?
OK back to the original thought, When does Christmas loose its magic? even after the whole Santa Clause thing was over for me, I still felt that Christmas was a wonderful time, I enjoyed the family dinners and the annual watching of "The Christmas Story" the music and the decorations..somewhere along the line that all went away..now I find myself feeling like the Grinch or Ebenezer Scrooge..Just wishing it would go away and leave me alone.
Just because its Christmas doesn't mean the bills stop coming in, but it forces me to choose between paying bills and buying Christmas..I think That is where the true problem is with me. It stresses me out to no end trying to figure out how to make everyone happy..the kids, the wife, the utility companies..I cant please everyone and I want to, which makes this a depressing stressful time of year instead of fun and exciting.
I'm left wondering If it ever gets any better or is it always the same..year after year...Lets hope that someday it gets better..
Merry Christmas and Happy New year